[includes a quote from Jingle Bells (James Pierpont)]
[Jay Anderson string bass
Chad Wackerman drums]
Harry:
(to THING-FISH)
Anything you say, master! Take me, I'm yours!
Rhonda:
(Broadway-style fake singing)
Jingle bells, Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
To Chicago every day, oh . . .
Thing-Fish:
Oooh, lawd! Lookit you, boy! Chain thoo de nipples 'n evvy goddam thing! You a sick white m****f***er, ain'tcha?
Rhonda:
Bells on bob-tail ring,
Making spirits bright!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
To Chicago every night, oh . . .
Harry:
For Chrissake, RHONDA! Have you no SHAME?
Thing-Fish:
Y'all make up y'mind yet, 'bouts de MAMMY o' yo' dreams?
Harry:
You bet! I've waited ALL MY LIFE for this moment! My heart is fluttering! If only I could submit myself on approval, for a limited time only . . . to . . . to that nasty little rubber MAMMY on your knee . . .
Thing-Fish:
SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X'? De mys'try SISTER? Y'all wants t'party hearty with de min'yature rubber MAMMY wit de string out de back? Yow! Dintcha get 'nuff 'buse fum de other b**** when y'was livin' in de card-bo'd hut?
Rhonda:
HARRY . . . HARRY . . . hey! HARRY! f****** wor-r-r-mmmmmmmmmm! I want a DIVORCE, HARRY!
Harry:
Not now, dearest, PLEASE! This is serious! Little MAMMY, what'll it be? Hips or lips?
Rhonda:
You're a wor-r-r-r-mmmmmmm! A f****** WOR-R-R-R-M-M-M-M-MMMMMMMMMMM! These are my t***, HARRY! I have t***! Look! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY WONDERFUL t***, YOU f****** WOR-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMM! I'm going to pretend I'm SQUIRTING THEM ON YOU! Whoo! Wheeeee! ALMOST GOTCHA!
Harry:
Not now, RHONDA! Ow! Oof! Oh, I love this! Hurt me! Hurt me! Oh, pull my chain, you tiny potato-headed whatchamacallit!
Rhonda:
They're almost squirting, HARRY! Look! Look! Whoooooo! Whooooo! Whoooo! You f****** worm!
Thing-Fish:
OB'DEWLLA! Is y'awright? Don't be pullin' de boy's chain too hard dere! He gots 'nuthuh show t'do t'morrow! Don't put dat in yo' MOUF, girl! I knows y'cain hep y'seff wit dat crazy m****f***er 'busin' you like dat, but jes' hang on a lil' longuh . . . he be droppin' de wad putty soon now!
Rhonda:
(pinching her nipples, jiggling her t***)
Jingle bells, jingle bells . . .
Harry:
Oh! This is divine!
Rhonda:
This is my p****, HARRY! Look! See it? You know what I'm gonna do with it, you worm? I'm gonna make it f*** SOMETHING! That's right! You won't get any of it . . . because you're DISGUSTING! An' I don't need you, MR. FIRST-NIGHTER! My wonderful, wonderful p**** doesn't need you! I have my BRIEFCASE, HARRY! I'm going to f*** MY BRIEFCASE! I'm going to . . . look! Look at this! I got it right over here! There! See it? My BIG, BROWN, BRIEFCASE! MY BRIEFCASE! It's BIG, HARRY! It's full of BUSINESS PAPERS . . . from MY CAREER!
I'm gonna put my GLASSES ON, HARRY! I'm gonna put my hair up in a BUN! Then, I'm going f*** f*** f***! Ha-ha-ha-hahhhhh! Look! See me? See how I got my hair up? Whooo! I'm REALLY DOING IT! Unngh! Unngh!
Harry:
RHONDA . . . have you no SHAME! Keep the briefcase closed, for chrissake! All your documents are falling out!
Rhonda:
(as over-sized file folders emerge)
Unngh! I'm GOOD! Oh God I'm good! Harder! Faster! Unngh! Unngh! This is TERRIFIC! Boy, I need it so bad . . .
Harry:
Those are the Warner Brothers files, aren't they dear? Don't you think there'll be some questions about the condition of the blue paper?
Thing-Fish:
Girl! Bes' be careful wit de latch!
Rhonda:
(with the handle in her mouth, semi-intelligible)
I'm sucking the handle now, HARRY! Look! Mmmmmm! It tastes GOOD! Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm! The handle! The handle!
Harry:
Hurt me, OB'DEWLLA! Make me whimper and beg for your tiny rubber love!
Rhonda:
I've got a fountain pen, HARRY! I've got a fountain pen with MY INITIALS on it! I'm putting it in my mouth, HARRY! I'm gonna get it wet! I'm gonna stuff it up my a****** and ride the briefcase again, you disgusting perverted b****** worm! I'm gonna do it! Look, HARRY! Whooo! Unngh! Unngh! g******it, HARRY! Watch me! This is for your own good!
[Jay Anderson string bass
Chad Wackerman drums]
Harry:
(to THING-FISH)
Anything you say, master! Take me, I'm yours!
Rhonda:
(Broadway-style fake singing)
Jingle bells, Jingle bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
To Chicago every day, oh . . .
Thing-Fish:
Oooh, lawd! Lookit you, boy! Chain thoo de nipples 'n evvy goddam thing! You a sick white m****f***er, ain'tcha?
Rhonda:
Bells on bob-tail ring,
Making spirits bright!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
To Chicago every night, oh . . .
Harry:
For Chrissake, RHONDA! Have you no SHAME?
Thing-Fish:
Y'all make up y'mind yet, 'bouts de MAMMY o' yo' dreams?
Harry:
You bet! I've waited ALL MY LIFE for this moment! My heart is fluttering! If only I could submit myself on approval, for a limited time only . . . to . . . to that nasty little rubber MAMMY on your knee . . .
Thing-Fish:
SISTER OB'DEWLLA 'X'? De mys'try SISTER? Y'all wants t'party hearty with de min'yature rubber MAMMY wit de string out de back? Yow! Dintcha get 'nuff 'buse fum de other b**** when y'was livin' in de card-bo'd hut?
Rhonda:
HARRY . . . HARRY . . . hey! HARRY! f****** wor-r-r-mmmmmmmmmm! I want a DIVORCE, HARRY!
Harry:
Not now, dearest, PLEASE! This is serious! Little MAMMY, what'll it be? Hips or lips?
Rhonda:
You're a wor-r-r-r-mmmmmmm! A f****** WOR-R-R-R-M-M-M-M-MMMMMMMMMMM! These are my t***, HARRY! I have t***! Look! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MY WONDERFUL t***, YOU f****** WOR-R-R-R-R-MMMMMMMM! I'm going to pretend I'm SQUIRTING THEM ON YOU! Whoo! Wheeeee! ALMOST GOTCHA!
Harry:
Not now, RHONDA! Ow! Oof! Oh, I love this! Hurt me! Hurt me! Oh, pull my chain, you tiny potato-headed whatchamacallit!
Rhonda:
They're almost squirting, HARRY! Look! Look! Whoooooo! Whooooo! Whoooo! You f****** worm!
Thing-Fish:
OB'DEWLLA! Is y'awright? Don't be pullin' de boy's chain too hard dere! He gots 'nuthuh show t'do t'morrow! Don't put dat in yo' MOUF, girl! I knows y'cain hep y'seff wit dat crazy m****f***er 'busin' you like dat, but jes' hang on a lil' longuh . . . he be droppin' de wad putty soon now!
Rhonda:
(pinching her nipples, jiggling her t***)
Jingle bells, jingle bells . . .
Harry:
Oh! This is divine!
Rhonda:
This is my p****, HARRY! Look! See it? You know what I'm gonna do with it, you worm? I'm gonna make it f*** SOMETHING! That's right! You won't get any of it . . . because you're DISGUSTING! An' I don't need you, MR. FIRST-NIGHTER! My wonderful, wonderful p**** doesn't need you! I have my BRIEFCASE, HARRY! I'm going to f*** MY BRIEFCASE! I'm going to . . . look! Look at this! I got it right over here! There! See it? My BIG, BROWN, BRIEFCASE! MY BRIEFCASE! It's BIG, HARRY! It's full of BUSINESS PAPERS . . . from MY CAREER!
I'm gonna put my GLASSES ON, HARRY! I'm gonna put my hair up in a BUN! Then, I'm going f*** f*** f***! Ha-ha-ha-hahhhhh! Look! See me? See how I got my hair up? Whooo! I'm REALLY DOING IT! Unngh! Unngh!
Harry:
RHONDA . . . have you no SHAME! Keep the briefcase closed, for chrissake! All your documents are falling out!
Rhonda:
(as over-sized file folders emerge)
Unngh! I'm GOOD! Oh God I'm good! Harder! Faster! Unngh! Unngh! This is TERRIFIC! Boy, I need it so bad . . .
Harry:
Those are the Warner Brothers files, aren't they dear? Don't you think there'll be some questions about the condition of the blue paper?
Thing-Fish:
Girl! Bes' be careful wit de latch!
Rhonda:
(with the handle in her mouth, semi-intelligible)
I'm sucking the handle now, HARRY! Look! Mmmmmm! It tastes GOOD! Mmmmmm! Mmmmmm! The handle! The handle!
Harry:
Hurt me, OB'DEWLLA! Make me whimper and beg for your tiny rubber love!
Rhonda:
I've got a fountain pen, HARRY! I've got a fountain pen with MY INITIALS on it! I'm putting it in my mouth, HARRY! I'm gonna get it wet! I'm gonna stuff it up my a****** and ride the briefcase again, you disgusting perverted b****** worm! I'm gonna do it! Look, HARRY! Whooo! Unngh! Unngh! g******it, HARRY! Watch me! This is for your own good!