[Chorus]
Tell Laura I love her!
Tell Laura I need her
Tell Laura not to cry
My love for her, will never die
Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell ye
Oh yes, Laura and I were lovers for a long time, ladies and gentlemen
Til God took her away for a special purpose of his very own
I must admit I was a bit cheesed off at the time
I had a special purpose in mind myself
But there you go
Oh sure, we had lovers tiffs like anybody else
Like the time in a moment of weakness I... sunk
And I bought a dirty magazine
And in that magazine, ladies and gentlemen, I read about eroginous zones
In a very sly way, ladies and gentlemen, I invited Laura over to my place
Ostensibly for coffee and cookies
And we were sitting on the sofa and we were necking, ladies and gentlemen, necking!
And I guess I must have touched one of her eroginous zones, ladies and gentlemen...
Cause she kneed me in one of mine
[Chorus]
Oh ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell ye
How could I ever forget that day that God took Laura away for a special purpose of his own
We were down town shopping for Laura's Mum
She wanted some rubber bed clothes and an inflatable man
Strange woman, Laura's Mum, but anyhow...
We were walkin hand in hand down Main Street
When a child ran onto the road, ladies and gentlemen
I said "Oh my God, my nerves!", and I covered my eyes I guess I'm that kind of guy
But Laura, who was made of stronger stuff than I, dashed onto the road to save that child
Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell you
That child made it to the other side, and turned round and said eh-eh-eh-eh-ehhh-eh
But Laura didn't
She made it to the white line in the centre of the road, ladies and gentlemen
When a juggernaught came round the corner sideways and flattened her!
[Chorus]
Oh ladies and gentlemen, how can I tell ye...
Some nights I lie awake, awash with sweat
As I hear the exact noise those lorries made when they flattened Laura
It was a sorta "splaaattt"
You know the noise you get, when you stick a straw up a frog's b** and blow really hard...
I blame myself!
I wanna tell you ladies and gentlemen
Main Street was not a pretty sight!
There was bits of Laura everywhere!
I remember, two bits were slidin down the post office window
And a big Alsation came round the corner and made off with another couple o' bits
And it was with a heavy heart, and a tear in either eye
I searched, and I searched!
But I couldn't find the bit I was lookin for!
[Chorus]
Tell Laura I love her!
Tell Laura I need her
Tell Laura not to cry
My love for her, will never die
Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell ye
Oh yes, Laura and I were lovers for a long time, ladies and gentlemen
Til God took her away for a special purpose of his very own
I must admit I was a bit cheesed off at the time
I had a special purpose in mind myself
But there you go
Oh sure, we had lovers tiffs like anybody else
Like the time in a moment of weakness I... sunk
And I bought a dirty magazine
And in that magazine, ladies and gentlemen, I read about eroginous zones
In a very sly way, ladies and gentlemen, I invited Laura over to my place
Ostensibly for coffee and cookies
And we were sitting on the sofa and we were necking, ladies and gentlemen, necking!
And I guess I must have touched one of her eroginous zones, ladies and gentlemen...
Cause she kneed me in one of mine
[Chorus]
Oh ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell ye
How could I ever forget that day that God took Laura away for a special purpose of his own
We were down town shopping for Laura's Mum
She wanted some rubber bed clothes and an inflatable man
Strange woman, Laura's Mum, but anyhow...
We were walkin hand in hand down Main Street
When a child ran onto the road, ladies and gentlemen
I said "Oh my God, my nerves!", and I covered my eyes I guess I'm that kind of guy
But Laura, who was made of stronger stuff than I, dashed onto the road to save that child
Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna tell you
That child made it to the other side, and turned round and said eh-eh-eh-eh-ehhh-eh
But Laura didn't
She made it to the white line in the centre of the road, ladies and gentlemen
When a juggernaught came round the corner sideways and flattened her!
[Chorus]
Oh ladies and gentlemen, how can I tell ye...
Some nights I lie awake, awash with sweat
As I hear the exact noise those lorries made when they flattened Laura
It was a sorta "splaaattt"
You know the noise you get, when you stick a straw up a frog's b** and blow really hard...
I blame myself!
I wanna tell you ladies and gentlemen
Main Street was not a pretty sight!
There was bits of Laura everywhere!
I remember, two bits were slidin down the post office window
And a big Alsation came round the corner and made off with another couple o' bits
And it was with a heavy heart, and a tear in either eye
I searched, and I searched!
But I couldn't find the bit I was lookin for!
[Chorus]