Time has come for renewal.
I urgently long for an altered situation.
Only chained to my solitude
there is security in my insecurity.
A fatal stillness in silence after the abuse,
long enough have I rested in the dark.
Silently cried out all pain,
reached out my hand for kindness
but dreading rejection.
Was I reaching for false hopes?
Was I waiting for human goodness
although all I had seen was human wickedness?
Was I closing the door for approval?
I hid in the fear of being lost forever
and chose to slowly fade away.
I swam toward the bottom of my sea of self pity,
filled my lungs with deadly water from my past.
I swan deeper when someone tried to pull me up,
sacrificed myself in fear of drowning the one who cared.
I longed for an altered situation
but human kindness I feared the most,
I expected even more wickedness.
God, I know that You were always there.
Only Your thoughtfulness kept me alive
during my darkest hours.
Was I reaching for false hopes?
Was I waiting for human goodness
although all I had seen was human wickedness?
Was I closing the door for approval?
Sometimes I wish You would have let me die.
Still I knew, that You offer life in abundance
But I searched for the indemnification
that can come only from the one's who inflicted shame on me.
I urgently long for an altered situation.
Only chained to my solitude
there is security in my insecurity.
A fatal stillness in silence after the abuse,
long enough have I rested in the dark.
Silently cried out all pain,
reached out my hand for kindness
but dreading rejection.
Was I reaching for false hopes?
Was I waiting for human goodness
although all I had seen was human wickedness?
Was I closing the door for approval?
I hid in the fear of being lost forever
and chose to slowly fade away.
I swam toward the bottom of my sea of self pity,
filled my lungs with deadly water from my past.
I swan deeper when someone tried to pull me up,
sacrificed myself in fear of drowning the one who cared.
I longed for an altered situation
but human kindness I feared the most,
I expected even more wickedness.
God, I know that You were always there.
Only Your thoughtfulness kept me alive
during my darkest hours.
Was I reaching for false hopes?
Was I waiting for human goodness
although all I had seen was human wickedness?
Was I closing the door for approval?
Sometimes I wish You would have let me die.
Still I knew, that You offer life in abundance
But I searched for the indemnification
that can come only from the one's who inflicted shame on me.