"Do it!"
Let me get this straight, God talks to Benny Hinn, he talks to Jimmy Swaggart, he talks to wide receivers and defensive linemen. I was an altar boy for seven years, I memorized the Latin f****** mass, and you know what?
"Lock and load!"
I've never heard from the guy, not a phone call, not a note, but apparently he talks to Reggie White every Saturday night before the big game on Sunday, because as we all know, God is a huge Green Bay f****** Packers fan, right?
"Go with yourself."
You know what, I'm done, it's over, I quit, I'm starting my own church. Buh-bye!
"This world is bullshit--"
"Last time anyone on this earth called himself lord, he was crucified."
I am now the leader of the Lapsed Catholic Church, and here are the rules, my friends. Thou shalt not? f*** that, thou f****** SHALL.
"Hold on, can you speak a little slower? Gotta break a little sweat."
As long as you don't have s** with kids or kill anybody, you can do whatever... the f*** you want in my church!
"Maya Angelou said that-- this world is bullshit."
If you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia, no f****** way, pal. You stand naked in the middle of Times Square wearing a big neon sign that says, "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you f****** a*******!
"And my boyfriend can make you disappear!"
And there's no more magical burning blisters or blueberry m***ins. You screw up this time, the Virgin Mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. She pistol-whips ya, then she sets your d*** on fire, okay?
"I welcome this kind of examination."
"Do it!"
"Lock 'n load!"
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's already coveting every INCH of your s***, pal.
"His finger is between my a**cheeks."
"Can ya get two knuckles up there?"
"Father, what are you doing?"
Ya, what are you doin', father? Keep your f*****' hands to yourself, OK?
"Go with yourself."
You wanna do somethin' with your hands? Stick 'em up the pope's a**, it's one of the new f*****' rules, okay? 'Cause in my church, when it comes to healing, you know how Benny Hinn lays his hands on the head of a supposedly blind person, then when he takes his hands off, the guy can see? Here's how we do it in my church: you're a pothead, guess what? You're still a f****** pothead!
When it comes time to confess your sins in the Lapse Catholic Church, guess who you confess your sins to? That's right, Father Leary. You walk in and say, "Bless me father, for I have sinned." I say, "That's f****** great! What'd you do?" "I, um, thought impure thoughts all this week." "f****** excellent! What else?" "Um, I jerked off like five times." "That's f****** great! You know what your penance is? Run across the street, steal two cases of beer and a pizza, and bring it back here, okay? We're gonna sit around the rectory, and smoke, and eat pizza, and drink beer, and watch TV, and if we see the pope on TV, we're gonna give him the finger and make fun of his hats, okay?"
You know what else? Ted Kennedy? Forgiven. Frank Gifford? Forgiven. Marv Albert? Forgiven. Al Sharpton, forgiven. Richard Nixon, forgiven. Bill f****** Buckner, forgiven. Everybody's forgiven. Except you, O.J. f*** you!
"Do it! Do--do--do-do-do-do it!"
I hope your kids pull a Menendez on you, O.J., and then they'll be forgiven, ten times over. Go in peace my friend. Get the beer, and the pizza, and bring it back here, because sin is in! Sin is in, and so we begin.
"I think I see the light father. Can I put my pants back on now?"
"I am not a crook. I am not a crook."
--------------
"f****** a******!"
"You f****** a******!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it; we'll put it on the record."
"Oh, there's one funny thing..." (everybody laughs)
"20 minutes in... $14.99 for this m***********?"
"d***! I want my money back!"
"Denis Leary?"
"f*** him!"
(laughs)
"Alright? Bye."
Let me get this straight, God talks to Benny Hinn, he talks to Jimmy Swaggart, he talks to wide receivers and defensive linemen. I was an altar boy for seven years, I memorized the Latin f****** mass, and you know what?
"Lock and load!"
I've never heard from the guy, not a phone call, not a note, but apparently he talks to Reggie White every Saturday night before the big game on Sunday, because as we all know, God is a huge Green Bay f****** Packers fan, right?
"Go with yourself."
You know what, I'm done, it's over, I quit, I'm starting my own church. Buh-bye!
"This world is bullshit--"
"Last time anyone on this earth called himself lord, he was crucified."
I am now the leader of the Lapsed Catholic Church, and here are the rules, my friends. Thou shalt not? f*** that, thou f****** SHALL.
"Hold on, can you speak a little slower? Gotta break a little sweat."
As long as you don't have s** with kids or kill anybody, you can do whatever... the f*** you want in my church!
"Maya Angelou said that-- this world is bullshit."
If you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia, no f****** way, pal. You stand naked in the middle of Times Square wearing a big neon sign that says, "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you f****** a*******!
"And my boyfriend can make you disappear!"
And there's no more magical burning blisters or blueberry m***ins. You screw up this time, the Virgin Mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas. She pistol-whips ya, then she sets your d*** on fire, okay?
"I welcome this kind of examination."
"Do it!"
"Lock 'n load!"
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's already coveting every INCH of your s***, pal.
"His finger is between my a**cheeks."
"Can ya get two knuckles up there?"
"Father, what are you doing?"
Ya, what are you doin', father? Keep your f*****' hands to yourself, OK?
"Go with yourself."
You wanna do somethin' with your hands? Stick 'em up the pope's a**, it's one of the new f*****' rules, okay? 'Cause in my church, when it comes to healing, you know how Benny Hinn lays his hands on the head of a supposedly blind person, then when he takes his hands off, the guy can see? Here's how we do it in my church: you're a pothead, guess what? You're still a f****** pothead!
When it comes time to confess your sins in the Lapse Catholic Church, guess who you confess your sins to? That's right, Father Leary. You walk in and say, "Bless me father, for I have sinned." I say, "That's f****** great! What'd you do?" "I, um, thought impure thoughts all this week." "f****** excellent! What else?" "Um, I jerked off like five times." "That's f****** great! You know what your penance is? Run across the street, steal two cases of beer and a pizza, and bring it back here, okay? We're gonna sit around the rectory, and smoke, and eat pizza, and drink beer, and watch TV, and if we see the pope on TV, we're gonna give him the finger and make fun of his hats, okay?"
You know what else? Ted Kennedy? Forgiven. Frank Gifford? Forgiven. Marv Albert? Forgiven. Al Sharpton, forgiven. Richard Nixon, forgiven. Bill f****** Buckner, forgiven. Everybody's forgiven. Except you, O.J. f*** you!
"Do it! Do--do--do-do-do-do it!"
I hope your kids pull a Menendez on you, O.J., and then they'll be forgiven, ten times over. Go in peace my friend. Get the beer, and the pizza, and bring it back here, because sin is in! Sin is in, and so we begin.
"I think I see the light father. Can I put my pants back on now?"
"I am not a crook. I am not a crook."
--------------
"f****** a******!"
"You f****** a******!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it; we'll put it on the record."
"Oh, there's one funny thing..." (everybody laughs)
"20 minutes in... $14.99 for this m***********?"
"d***! I want my money back!"
"Denis Leary?"
"f*** him!"
(laughs)
"Alright? Bye."