Been to Vegas lately, any of you? Because I was there for a couple of weeks, when we were on the tour. Yeah, okay. You know what I noticed in Vegas? I noticed this one little thing: we have some fat f****** people in this country. It is out of control. Have you seen them, sitting at the slot machines? They're so fat the stool is up their a**, and they have food delivered, and they eat and play the slots. NOM NOM NOM . CLANG . NOM NOM NOM . CLANG Eating money...they fart, stools fly across the room. These people make Elvis look anorexic. You know who I'm talking about? Stop eating!
And I am fed up with the, uh, the little denial phrases they have, too, y'know? "I'm not fat, I'm husky." Uh...yeah. "I'm portly." Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "I'm stout." Okay, okay, okay... "I'm big-boned." You're big-a**ED, okay? Dinosaurs as big-boned! Put the fork down.
Y'know, we gotta do something, because we all have fat people in our families. And y'know what, if we don't stop them soon, they're gonna just start blowing up, I swear to God. Or we're going to have a country full of sumo wrestlers, either way.
And they keep finding more denial stuff. There's a doctor now...would like to see what size he is...a doctor in L.A. who came up with a theory that being fat is actually a virus. Oh, I guess I'm the a****** here, right? Because every other virus we know about is a flesh-eating virus, right? The common cold, the AIDS, the cancer. But he's found the one that makes you bigger? Okay...okay, yep, yep, yep. That's all that fat person in each family needs. Now we're at Thanksgiving with that fat person. "Well, I'm not actually overeating...NOM NOM NOM NOM...I'm trying to keep the virus at bay...NOM NOM NOM NOM..."
Look, I'm trying to help you here. You have a choice . it's either me or Richard Simmons coming over to your house. He's going to cry and shave his legs...I think you want me, I really do. I think I'm the better choice. And there are definitely signs, folks, that you should stop eating. Let's make that very clear. Remember the seven thousand pound guy in Long Island a couple years ago, had chest pains and they had to cut a wall out of the house to get him to the hospital? Folks, that's the first sign, okay? When you're calling the construction crew before you call the hospital, stop f*****' eating! "Honey, I'm having chest pains . knock this wall down here...yeah, get a crane and a dumpster to take me to the hospital then...and call ahead to the hospital, get some walls taken out over there...and get me a dozen donuts, 'cuz this f*****' virus is killing me, it really is."
See, I could never be a fat guy, I'll tell you why. One simple reason, okay? The first day I wake up, and I can't see my d***? I stop eating, okay! "Honey, I can't see my d***...get the dog some food...I'm going to Ethiopia...I can't see it! can you see it? I can't feel it!" I'd freak. I have to see my d*** first thing in the morning. It's the kind of relationship we have, wake up first thing . "Hey! How you doing?" "Great! How you doing?" "Terrific! You wanna jerk off now?" "Yeah, why not?"
Oh yeah...jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now. I'm forty, I do it every day. Every day. I've even gone beyond p**** . I'm back to regular TV. Oh yeah, oh yeah! Hoooo-yeah! People wonder why Caroline in the City is getting such big ratings? I'll tell ya why...I know why.
I love my d***. My d*** loves me. Love my b****, too...it's kind of a love triangle thing we've got going on. I love my d*** more than my b****, but don't tell my b**** that, because that would b** my b**** out. But...let President Leary clarify that last statement. I love my d***, but I'm no John Wayne Bobbitt...y'know what I mean? Like if my wife cuts my d*** off, I'm not telling anybody, okay? Nobody's finding out. I don't care if the cops show up at my house WITH the d***..."Nope, not mine. No, no, no. No, I never had a d***, I'm a eunuch. 'No-d*** Leary', that's my nickname. I'm actually saving up to buy a v*****, that's what I'm doing right now. Thanks for dropping by, fellows. CLANG!!!"
I also want to make an announcement . that I am pro-t** all the way, okay? President Leary . pro-t** all the way. I love t***. I would like to be the mayor of t** town, if I could, okay? I would like to drive a big truck full of t*** down the t** turnpike, right into the middle of t** town. I'd like to have my own talk show about t*** . t** Talk, okay? That's how passionate I am about the t***. I love 'em all. But I think I actually love the small t*** better than the big t***, because the big t*** get all the attention. I love those little small, little f*****' peach- and plum-shaped little hand-sized t*** . they're great! I love to look at 'em, "How you doing?" Talk to 'em, "What's going on? Look at me! I got my face next to a t**!"
Men are mollified by t***. We don't know why, we just are. We don't even have to see naked t*** to get mollified. We just freeze up, even at the sight of cleavage. Waitress leans over the table the wrong way? OH! That's how we can end war . get the Goodyear Blimp, paint it up like a big t**, put a nipple on it. Fly over the Middle East during a confrontation..."Look at the t**! Look at the t**! The t**!!"
And I am fed up with the, uh, the little denial phrases they have, too, y'know? "I'm not fat, I'm husky." Uh...yeah. "I'm portly." Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. "I'm stout." Okay, okay, okay... "I'm big-boned." You're big-a**ED, okay? Dinosaurs as big-boned! Put the fork down.
Y'know, we gotta do something, because we all have fat people in our families. And y'know what, if we don't stop them soon, they're gonna just start blowing up, I swear to God. Or we're going to have a country full of sumo wrestlers, either way.
And they keep finding more denial stuff. There's a doctor now...would like to see what size he is...a doctor in L.A. who came up with a theory that being fat is actually a virus. Oh, I guess I'm the a****** here, right? Because every other virus we know about is a flesh-eating virus, right? The common cold, the AIDS, the cancer. But he's found the one that makes you bigger? Okay...okay, yep, yep, yep. That's all that fat person in each family needs. Now we're at Thanksgiving with that fat person. "Well, I'm not actually overeating...NOM NOM NOM NOM...I'm trying to keep the virus at bay...NOM NOM NOM NOM..."
Look, I'm trying to help you here. You have a choice . it's either me or Richard Simmons coming over to your house. He's going to cry and shave his legs...I think you want me, I really do. I think I'm the better choice. And there are definitely signs, folks, that you should stop eating. Let's make that very clear. Remember the seven thousand pound guy in Long Island a couple years ago, had chest pains and they had to cut a wall out of the house to get him to the hospital? Folks, that's the first sign, okay? When you're calling the construction crew before you call the hospital, stop f*****' eating! "Honey, I'm having chest pains . knock this wall down here...yeah, get a crane and a dumpster to take me to the hospital then...and call ahead to the hospital, get some walls taken out over there...and get me a dozen donuts, 'cuz this f*****' virus is killing me, it really is."
See, I could never be a fat guy, I'll tell you why. One simple reason, okay? The first day I wake up, and I can't see my d***? I stop eating, okay! "Honey, I can't see my d***...get the dog some food...I'm going to Ethiopia...I can't see it! can you see it? I can't feel it!" I'd freak. I have to see my d*** first thing in the morning. It's the kind of relationship we have, wake up first thing . "Hey! How you doing?" "Great! How you doing?" "Terrific! You wanna jerk off now?" "Yeah, why not?"
Oh yeah...jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now. I'm forty, I do it every day. Every day. I've even gone beyond p**** . I'm back to regular TV. Oh yeah, oh yeah! Hoooo-yeah! People wonder why Caroline in the City is getting such big ratings? I'll tell ya why...I know why.
I love my d***. My d*** loves me. Love my b****, too...it's kind of a love triangle thing we've got going on. I love my d*** more than my b****, but don't tell my b**** that, because that would b** my b**** out. But...let President Leary clarify that last statement. I love my d***, but I'm no John Wayne Bobbitt...y'know what I mean? Like if my wife cuts my d*** off, I'm not telling anybody, okay? Nobody's finding out. I don't care if the cops show up at my house WITH the d***..."Nope, not mine. No, no, no. No, I never had a d***, I'm a eunuch. 'No-d*** Leary', that's my nickname. I'm actually saving up to buy a v*****, that's what I'm doing right now. Thanks for dropping by, fellows. CLANG!!!"
I also want to make an announcement . that I am pro-t** all the way, okay? President Leary . pro-t** all the way. I love t***. I would like to be the mayor of t** town, if I could, okay? I would like to drive a big truck full of t*** down the t** turnpike, right into the middle of t** town. I'd like to have my own talk show about t*** . t** Talk, okay? That's how passionate I am about the t***. I love 'em all. But I think I actually love the small t*** better than the big t***, because the big t*** get all the attention. I love those little small, little f*****' peach- and plum-shaped little hand-sized t*** . they're great! I love to look at 'em, "How you doing?" Talk to 'em, "What's going on? Look at me! I got my face next to a t**!"
Men are mollified by t***. We don't know why, we just are. We don't even have to see naked t*** to get mollified. We just freeze up, even at the sight of cleavage. Waitress leans over the table the wrong way? OH! That's how we can end war . get the Goodyear Blimp, paint it up like a big t**, put a nipple on it. Fly over the Middle East during a confrontation..."Look at the t**! Look at the t**! The t**!!"